moments like this.

heyyaa's.

life's good, not going to school. just left lying on the bed with my bantal busuk and my blankie. oh, it's like heaven, i tell you. i get to redeem myself, at least 3 hours of sleep for yesterday's "stay up late" till 1 something. and it paid off actually.

somehow, i just couldn't copy and paste that into my exam today. I stumbled, said "oops, sorry", and screwed the pieces. i know i can do it at home, but why couldn't i when i was in the room? the temperature was low, so cold and it made my fingers numb. i could play, but it wasn't perfect at all, and it wasn't normal at the same time. i pressed the wrong key, i did everything i could to reach the level. when i was about to leave the room, i was about to shed a tear. just a tear. i knew i screwed up big time. and i definitely know what's coming next. the results. the feeling of my heart pumping so fast just made me thought that i would for sure, not pass my exam. but i looked on the bright side though, another side of a box. which i whispered to myself, "hey, i did my best. i know i did well. so, there's no point regretting and getting all shitty about it. what's done is done."

as soon as i said that to myself, i gained something. experience. through that moment, in the room, i was nervous. hands-shaking, hands were sweaty as usual. i told myself, i went through this for those blardy 6 years, and i'm still freaking out? what the hell, is wrong with me?! i should be toughen up, and not be afraid of what's coming next. instead, i didn't stick to that. i go through the normal way. which i kinda, regret and seeing the piano, it makes me want to cry, and it makes me sick. erghh, i wish i didn't even take this up in the first place. i wish i could just turn back the time, and practice my pieces like there's no tomorrow. as i was about to step away from the room, i was so tempted to just go back to the room, and play my pieces one more time. because i know i was good.

after all that screwss, i finally know. i am useless. i don't find any talent in myself. what do i wanna do after my SPM, i don't even fucking know. i am one blardy lazy shit. useless, to be exact. i don't find any craving. nothing at all. NONE. this feeling is crappy. yet, i have to go through it. i don't even know why am i born. i can do nothing for this world. nothing. i'm empty. i'm stressed out. and i thought after today, i should be sighing out loud already. a good sigh. the breath of freedom. but, looks like it, it wouldn't be. i know it's going to stick onto my brain, and make me worry about it every single day. i don't even wanna go close to SPM, as this planet keeps spinning. i so want to shoot myself now. i want to drink a bottle of Smirnoff. (it tastes good okayy :p) i just can't forget the fact that, i'm so, useless. enough said.


ashley's.